I restarted my Blog. I had been using it as a personal journal, with reflections on past experiences. Childhood memories, things like that, but, even though I wasn't getting very many people reading it, I felt kind-of exposed. Also embarrassed. Who wants to read about my awful childhood? In one sentence. It sucked. I remember it being mostly good until around 10 years old, then it went downhill fast.

Drawing is an escapism for me. Once I get into drawing something I'm just happy. The time flies by. The same way with painting. That is the one place in my life where I am truly happy. The world doesn't matter anymore, all that matters is what's in front of me. Can I get that image in my head of what I want it to be on the paper? Or canvas? It's also what makes me unique. I'm quite ordinary. I don't have any special skills. I'm not witty or brilliant. I'm not beautiful. I clean up well (as the saying goes), but I look in the mirror and I see all my flaws. I don't really like looking in the mirror. I'll put on my makeup at the beginning of the day, and I don't look in the mirror after that to primp, it's just to make sure I'm still OK, that my eyeliner isn't smeared or my face isn't shiny. I hate myself in pictures.

Being verally abused is just as bad as getting beaten. At first, your like, no..I'm not. But if someone keeps telling you the same thing over and over. That your worthless, ugly, plain, stupid........then eventually you start to believe those things, even if they arn't true. And no matter how hard you try, you can't outrun your own inner self- critisism. That original person who was verbally abusing you doesn't have to be there anymore. Your inner voice takes over that role. It sucks, but there it is. It stinks that not only do you have to fight the world, but you have to fight your inner Demon too.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I haven't really planned anything. I will probably post more art as I get around to it, but this is all very difficult for me to share any feelings or anything with anyone. That's why I deleted all my past journals I had on here. Felt too exposed.

It's been a rough year or two for me. I almost died due to my ulcer last year. It's made me re-evaluate a lot of my life and where I am and where I want to go. Art used to be very important to me. I want to have making art a part of my life again, and have that be a priority. I am still trying to get my art supplies I need together. I have been doing a lot of drawings this past year, and I just started painting. I need more paint, and better brushes. You know your brushes are low quality when the head of the brush just comes right off while your painting with it! I do have one painting done. A copy of a famous one, and I'm going to try to sell it so I can buy better, and more art supplies.

I have to drive my son to work, and then I'm working as a security guard at a Party in Portland, Oregon this evening. Being a security guard isn't what I wanted to do with my life, but I had lost my job right after I got out of the hospital, and I needed a job, so that's what I do right now.

Have a good day!

Bison Drawing

Drawing of a Bison. I looked at several different photographs and this is an original drawing once I had a good idea of what a Bison looked like. A lot of the photos just weren't positioned the way I wanted, or the hair was wrong. I like how this turned out. I used charcoal pencils and a white charcoal pencil. This was given as a gift to someone who works for United Way. I used to have some acquaintances there and I gave several drawings to the employees there.